I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
