Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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