So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
