I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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