Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
