I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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