So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
