Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
