i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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