God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
