I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
