u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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