My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
