I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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