Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
soo... how was my night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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