Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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