She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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