omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
