nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
