the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
