In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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