i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
