Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
