spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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