after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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