you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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