it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
