I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
