u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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