Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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