If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
