true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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