I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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