I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
