it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
