Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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