The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
