the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
