Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
