bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
