we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
