He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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