I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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