he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
