I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
