I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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