I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
