someone threw a dead crab at me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
