Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When did angry sex become our thing?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
