at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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