my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
