So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
