Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
