i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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