i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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