Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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