Your mouth is God's brothel.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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