If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
