wanna go halves on a baby?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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